Am I expecting too much? At the end of the day at work I was offered some marking work and told who the team of markers would be. I did this marking last year also; one of the team will not be able to make it this year.
This is because she is unwell. The person offering me the work asked if I'd heard about our co-worker. I hadn't. "She is dying. She has cancer and when it was operated on it was found to have spread. . . "
It was at this point I thanked the person for the work and rushed out of the room.
If you knew someone had lost their husband to cancer, and nursed them throughout the whole sad, sad time would you give this person the kind of details I was given? Surely you would use a little more tact to tell that person. Perhaps you would not feel the need to give any details.
Or is that just me? I left the room in tears. Two and a half years later, I had hoped my crying in public days were over. I then had to walk down to collect my car from where it was being serviced. I semi-collected myself but naturally the car was not ready, and so I stood there embarrassed at my obvious tears and felt obliged to explain them. Again.
Shit.
And, of course, the tears are as much for my work colleague as for my own sadness.
I've been in both situations. I've been the one who thought it was ok to talk about something because I figured the person had worked through it and would understand the situation. Or maybe they'd want to know about it *because* they'd been through something similar. Or maybe I just didn't think at all.
ReplyDeleteI've also been on the receiving in and thought "what an idiot!" People who knew something was MASSIVELY upsetting to me, who told me about every single instance they heard about it elsewhere. Sometimes in messages on the phone, or in emails... nothing was safe. I got caller ID and filtered their email just so I wouldn't be taken by surprise. I still listened and read, but not without bracing myself first. - I still got set off. Idiots.
Sorry this happened to you today.
NQ- yes, I assume she didn't mean to upset me but would much prefer to stop crying in public now. Plus, now I feel sad for my work colleague. . . I would've preferred to remain blissfully ignorant as I know exactly what is in store for her. And wish I could help but there's no way I can.
DeleteIt's ok to feel how you feel. It's painful, you cry. That's real. Better than numbness. Though nobody wants to feel sad or cry of course.
DeleteIt's also totally ok to feel how you do for your colleague and to not be able to help. There have been times when I "should" have been somewhere but I had to accept that I couldn't be there and that if I tried I'd have been a liability instead of a help because I couldn't do it! Much as I might have liked to or thought I should.
You sound like you're being hard on yourself for not being superwoman yet. So be it. You're human instead. A human with the capacity to love and feel. Not a stone ;)
Not sure if you ever read this book... If "self help" type books annoy you then skip it! I'm not suggesting it because I think THIS IS THE ANSWER!!! ;) but I found it very relatable.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love
Hey NQ- it's so nice that you care. :-) It's OK, I'm fine just the unexpectedness of the emotion gets me sometimes. And in public too. I'd closed off the 'Places I've Cried in Public' list.
DeleteThanks for the recommendation. Let me give you one of my own:
'What Happy People Know' by Dan Baker. It let me appreciate what I have now and reassess what is important to me. I wanted to buy it for all my friends, did buy it for my sister.
Of course I care! :P :)
DeleteI've added "What Happy People Know" to my Amazon Wish List, so hopefully I'll remember to add it to my next order. - It qualifies for free shipping :)
Typo... "... been on the receiving *end*...."
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. And your tears.
ReplyDeleteThanks. When I need a smile I always come and visit your blog.
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