To embrace.

It’s been almost four years without him. In a way I’m sad as that’s almost as long as our relationship, our marriage. I’m sad that the time can go so quickly, and that our time together is getting more and more distant. And I feel a bit cheated that the comfort I felt in being married to my husband was so short lived.

Half of me thinks I will meet someone again. I’m not sure where this absurd optimism comes from as I haven’t met anyone since I’d seriously want a relationship with. In that time I’ve had two ‘almost’ relationships, so short that they weren’t ever really going anywhere, and I knew that from the outset.

I’ve tried online dating. I’ve ended up feeling too old, not attractive enough, and not enticing enough. I’ve met men who have been nice and genuine, and men who were out for whatever they could get, men who were simply focused on meeting their own needs. And so I gave up online dating, this was a good thing. (On the downside it certainly gives me less to blog about!)

However, in the last year despite being busy going out and socializing I have rarely met anyone I even want to date. I have had a handful of dates, but when I’m brutally honest, I went on these dates just to keep in practice. I didn’t really think I wanted to date these men but gave it a go anyway.

And then the other half of me thinks I’m better off alone anyway. After all, I love a multitude of things about being single. And I love the solitude of living alone. But then I worry that I love it too much. How will I ever fit someone back into my life?

Still, I suppose it’s good to have something to worry about. Here I am with a dearth of men I’d like to date and I’m worrying how I will accommodate them into my life.

And then a friend, bless his cotton socks, worries about the state of my sex life. What sex life?! Although I have to say that having no sex life means I am at least spared any of the complications. (It’s good to look on the bright side.)

Never mind sex, I miss having someone to dance with . . . I mean dance-as-a-couple dance. People have recommended I find a friend-with-benefits, which sounds good in theory and I have to admit I have tried to ‘source’ one, but I’d settle for a man to lead me through a dance. 

That’d be something . . .