How to be successful at on-line dating

Should you be in the unfortunate position of having to try on-line dating here are some guidelines for you. I have gleaned this information from close scrutiny of profiles, both male and female. First you need to write your profile. Try to include some, or all, of the following:

1. It is imperative you mention The Shawshank Redemption. Everyone on-line likes it, if you don't include it in your profile you come across as some sort of weird person. (I don't have it in my profile- not sure if I've ever seen it, and besides I think it's more important to quote from The Princess Bride - this may be why I'm still single.)
2. If you live in Victoria one of your interests must be AFL, otherwise known as the footy.  (Again, not included in my profile. Are you seeing a theme here?)
3. You must enjoy dining out with friends. 
4. Professing to enjoy a "good glass of red" is also widely held to be important. 
5. DTE, GSOH, "genuine" and "bubbly" are important. (I am none of those things - my sarcastic bent takes up too much space in my personality.) 
6. Curling up in front of an open fire is an obvious past time you must enjoy. 
7. You should mention wanting to meet someone "genuine" or "nice" or simply just your "soul mate". 

So, now you are ready to write your profile. Women like to go for the glamour shot to include in their profiles; men like to hold the camera up to the bathroom mirror to take a self portrait. 

Next you send someone a Kiss, or they send you a Kiss. You can reply by selecting one of the following options.

To Demonstrate Interest: 

• I’d like to get to know you, would you be interested?
• Your profile caught my eye so I thought I’d be brave and say hi!
• I feel we can really have fun and hit it off, do you want to explore things further?
• I think you’re cute. Want to chat?

 Or the Not Interested options include:

• Thanks for the kiss, but I don’t think it would work out between us.
• Unfortunately, I’m only looking for someone local.
• I think you should read my profile in more detail because it seems you may be looking for something I’m not.
• I’m very flattered, but I’m not sure we have enough in common. I wish you all the best in your search.

 The Interested options are quite self explanatory. The Not Interested options I will "unpack" for you.

Thanks for the kiss, but I don’t think it would work out between us.

This actually means: Go away and leave me alone

Unfortunately, I’m only looking for someone local.

This actually means: If you work overseas then stay the hell away from me. (Yes, this is the option I should've selected with the MOS.)

I think you should read my profile in more detail because it seems you may be looking for something I’m not.

This actually means: It says I don't want to go out with a smoker! Are you blind? Or did you just not read my profile? Nor do I want to accompany you to the footy!

I’m very flattered, but I’m not sure we have enough in common. I wish you all the best in your search.

This actually means: Are you out of your freakin' mind? 

 Helpful, no? 

Stella x