Ah but it’s been such a long, long week.
My new, temporary, job at the school is great. I love it. I feel like I’m really making a difference. I’ve gotten to know all the girls really well and have very small classes but I walk around with a huge list of students to follow up, parents to contact, questions to ask people in authority, and assessment to mark.
A colleague overhead me today asking another staff member about this list of students I was meant to collate and she reassured me that I was doing an excellent job. Such feedback is always welcome. But I figure I am doing a good job as I’ve taken the job home with me to such an extent that I wake most nights and mentally tick off, or add to the list of things I need to address the next day.
As a result I’m constantly tired and suriving on about 6 hours sleep a night. This is OK because when my insomnia is at its peak I can be lucky to get 3 or 4 hours. The added benefit of this is that it means I am very diligent about getting to the gym- exercise always helps my insomnia. So I go every 2nd day and do a Spin or Step class, or get to Bikram on the weekend. Now I look toned, but tired.
Never mind, it’s only for another 5 weeks. And a regular paycheck is very nice. Plus look how much I’ll enjoy the holidays when they finally happen.
I have no idea if I’ll get any work next time, so far its looks like I’ll be emergency teaching but that’s OK. It’ll be nice to sleep again.
A couple of months ago a man from the on-line dating scene made contact with me. Hm, he’s very appealing, I thought.
Attractive - check.
Tall - check.
Smart - check.
Fit and active - check.
Can string a word or two together, coherently - check.
Works in Melbourne- nope.
Ah well. With all the other things going for him I responded to him and said, “Sure, contact me.” What could be the worse thing that happens, I reasoned.
The worse thing that could happen is he contacts me, we exchange emails for about 4 weeks, and then he comes to town. And wants to meet me.
Which, of course, made me pause and wonder if I should actually meet him. Eventually I decided I shouldn’t. Here I was already falling for this guy because of his intelligent and witty emails, and frequent texts. But the downside was he works away for six weeks at a time, and then comes home to Melbourne for only three weeks at a time. How could I possibly cope with that? What I want is a relationship where the guy is actually in the same town as me.
Plus, what if he only wants a bit of fun, anyway? And what if I meet him and he lives up to all my attraction and hopes that have been building since we’ve been emailing and texting? What then?
What if, what if, what if. . . .
Eventually I got over myself and agreed to meet him. We had three dates while he was in town. He was everything I had hoped; witty, smart, attractive. He was fun to go out with, he knew the right thing to say, he acted like a gentleman, he opened doors for me (I’m a sucker for a man with manners), and finally he didn’t run away when I said I was looking for a relationship. Instead he just kissed me. All good.
Then he went back overseas. Less good. In fact it was downright torturous.
You know how at the beginning of every relationship you wonder, “Will he ring again?” and you watch the phone, and check the mobile several times a day? Well it was just like that except we’d come to no sort of agreement so I had no idea where I stood.
We’d text most days, we spoke on the phone a couple of times, we instant messaged a couple of times, but I felt I never knew when he’d text again. Or if he’d text again. What if he just stopped texting? I drove myself crazy checking the phone.
After about two weeks of this I decided I just couldn’t do it. It was too exhausting, I’d use so much energy wondering why he hadn’t replied to my last text, and wondering if he was going to reply to my last text at all, and I decided to just end it. So I text him.
It was such a relief.
Then he rang two days later. We had a long talk, I explained how it was driving me crazy. We agreed he wouldn’t just stop texting, he’d stay in contact; I agreed I wouldn’t try to end “it” via text message again.
So here we are. I’m still hoping I don’t get hurt- really badly- he’s still away. We’ve agreed we will date again when he’s back in town, other than that I have no idea where this will go. Will it end in tears? Will we continue to “see” each other? Will I see him often enough when he returns to keep me happy? Can I actually have a relationship with a man who’s away more often than he’s here?
Time will tell.