Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Shite things

Things are a bit shit at the moment. And when I say “a bit shit” you can take that to mean, well, just shitty all over.

I’m walking around feeling incredibly sad, and I really don’t want to feel that way anymore. In fact, after my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I survived that, and learnt all about resilience etc I never wanted to feel sad again.

Which is unfortunate because I’m walking around doing that “enduring” thing. You know, enduring the day, enduring my classes, enduring coming home and crying on the couch.

I guess it’s an improvement over grief because I know it’s not grief just sadness, but I’m sick of feeling it. It’s like I just have to survive each day. The stupid thing is there’s no good reason for it. Yes, I told the MOS to leave me alone. . . . mainly because that’s what he was doing – ironically. Leaving me alone far too much. Not enough contact, not enough meetings, not enough texts, not enough phone calls, not enough attention, not enough anything really . . .  even after we spoke about all this. So, yes now I do want him to leave me alone.

And he is. So that should be good, right? I know it’s not just about him. It’s also about the possibility of a relationship which I have just thrown a flame thrower into- now, no possibility. That’s why I’m sad- no possibility.

I guess there’s also the little matter of the two year anniversary coming up- two years since I lost my husband. That’s probably contributing to the sadness.

Work is pretty busy too, and I’m feeling pretty stressed . . . still, it’s hard to cry when you’re manically meeting with students or touch typing emails as fast as you can. 

Let me tell you, when I get home the dog cops it all. Fortunately she’s good with tears. She’s seen it all before and been through it all before. She has great equanimity in the face of my hysterics- dogs are good like that.

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