Sunday, 25 September 2011

Two years ago today

Twenty-fifth September, 2009 - my husband finally succumbed to cancer and passed away at 11pm. It was a blessing for him in the end. He had hung on far too long. He wanted to go, we all told him it was "OK" to let go . . . but still his body was stubbornly strong.

Five minutes before the palliative care hospital rang me my dog was pacing around the lounge room and then came and sat outside my room. That's the only indication I ever got of anything from the "other side." Despite what people told me I did believe I'd have some sort of communication or sign from him once he'd gone. Or I'd feel some sort of closeness. It's not like that at all. It never has been.

Two years. It feels like such a long time on one hand, and such a short time on the other. Last year I couldn't bring myself to do anything on the day. I spent it in the garden, and felt sad.

This year I decided I should plan better.

So I saw a close girlfriend last night. We got out my wedding album, we talked and laughed and cried. I got to remember the relationship and the man before he got sick. It's been a long time since I've been able to remember that. It was lovely.

Today I had lunch in the city with another girlfriend - bless her heart, she'd broken up with her partner the previous week. Despite feeling fragile and sad she still came out to lunch with me. It was a good day. It was nice to be out, in the sun, surrounded by other people.

The 2nd anniversary- it's OK. I still have no sign from him, no feeling of his presence. But it's OK.

Stella x


  1. you must have a strong heart...
    it s OK
    take care

    just stopped by from

  2. I'm glad the day passed in a better way for you this year. It's good to be able to remember the good times and memories with a friend. xo

  3. I was thinking about you two this morning. Didn't realize it was an anniversary. I was wondering how the two of you met.

    My thoughts are with you (apparently even at 3am!)

  4. I'm glad you had a better day this year Stella. Sometimes the "winter" of someones life dominates the rest of the seasons and make it difficult to remember the whole person. Take care.

  5. Deeps- thanks.
    Cath- yes, was much better this year.
    NQ- ha. You won't believe it. On-line. Proof that fabulous things can happen on-line. Really, he was an amazing, lovely person and I got to spend time with him.
    hocam- what a lovely way of putting it. Thanks.

  6. Wow. Online! Really?? I did not expect that. I am so happy you found each other in your window of time. And so sorry it wasn't longer.

    And Hocam, there should be an award for beautifully written comments.

  7. It's so coincidental. I woke up this morning and my first thoughts were about all the loved ones passed on, how they passed, how we communicated afterwards, what they're doing lately. Then I got onto my blog and saw your comment, and came to this post.

    I really am sorry for your loss but glad that things are getting better for you. It takes a while, that's for sure... As for signs - I do hope you receive one soon.

  8. I have no doubt there will be more signs, though maybe not what you think or when you want. What a wonderful way to spend an anniversary, any anniversary. Robin

  9. my heart goes out to you, and I'm glad you're remembering the good times

  10. NQ- yeah, it is a shame. Some people have tried to tell me that couples aren't always happy anyway. That's no consolation; I was happy. We were happy.
    Amy- ah, must've been a full moon or something. Yeah, really would still like a sign. How come the dog knew when he passed away, but I have had nothing?
    robinhawke- thank you. It was a lovely way to spend an anniversary. I think the sadness hit a few days later though.
    Dr Aunty- thank you. I was blessed to have met him.

  11. I don't think I would get along with most of your friends! Lol! They might be lovely people, but comments like "some couples aren't always happy" - as an attempt to cheer you up- would drive me up a tree!

    - Ignore clueless comments from people. You'll find there's plenty. - And that includes me btw if/when I ever say something idiotic!

    Re the dog getting a sign and not you. It's possible your husband didn't "give a sign" to the dog and not you, but that the dog's reaction was due to its purely physical ability to perceive things humans can't. Like the way dogs can hear high pitched sounds that humans can't.

    This topic is making me hope I dream about some people I miss tonight.

  12. NQ- I know I have some lovely friends, even including the ones who said that, but it's quite inexplicable. It prompted a post actually.
    And, as you say, everyone says dumb things at time- I've done my fair share.
    Yeah, the dog I know but it's so strange that she could somehow "feel" his passing from 20km away.
    I hope you do dream about people you miss tonight. In that case, not sure if you'll want to read my latest posting, sad as it is.

  13. One more thought on the dog... It could be that she felt something from 20km away (how far away can we see light and feel the sun's heat?) or if you want to go with the "sign from your husband" theory, he could have returned to your home to give you a sign and found it wasn't possible for a human to sense him. He could have been jumping up and down in the room, to no avail, and then finally said to the dog "Would YOU please tell her I was here?!" :)

  14. NQ- ooh, I like that! That's what I'm gonna "believe" happened. Thanks.
    Stella x
    PS hope you're OK you haven't posted in a while and you said about dreaming about people you miss.

  15. I'm good :) Just been busy. Every time I think of sitting down to write I think "Nah.... I should do this other thing while I have the time."

    - Doesn't stop me from commenting though lol!